Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending is the latest film from Andy and Lana Wachowski, the sibling writing/directing team that created The Matrix and have been trying and failing to recapture the glory of that original, if overrated, picture ever since. They hit a new low with this indulgent sci-fi blockbuster about a twenty-something Russian/American woman living a bottom-tier existence who turns out to be the reincarnation of the queen of the known universe. The film stars Mila Kunis (Ted, Black Swan, Friends with Benefits) as the titular Jupiter, and therein lies just one of the film’s fatal flaws. Even the strongest actress could never carry this over-designed, over-produced, underwritten nothing of a picture. But saddled on Kunis’s slender shoulders it’s not even enjoyable as a “good bad movie”. Kunis’ limited talents—she can play beautiful and mysterious or beautiful and sweet—are not up to the task of putting across this movie’s hollow premise, or making credible any of its computer generated happenings.  Playing her hunky, genetically engineered half human / half dog protector, Channing Tatum (Foxcatcher, Magic Mike, 21 Jump Street) brings little more to his role than would any generic CGI videogame warrior.

I’m astounded how far the clearly talented and ambitious Wachowskis have fallen. Their début film Bound was, in my view, the best picture of 1996. There’s little doubt in my mind that Jupiter Ascending will end up as the WORST picture of 2015. The film plays as if an insane billionaire decided to produce a rejected rough draft found in M. Night Shyamalan’s trash can; or some Bizzaro Hollywood producer pitched the idea of combining the worst aspects of Dune and The Phantom Menace.

That this film’s female protagonist is such a vacuous, passive, two-dimensional character is a major disappointment, considering that the Wachowskis are considered feminist icons by many—both because Lana is the first major Hollywood director to come out as transgender and because Bound is one of the best lesbian movies ever made.  These filmmakers’ first two pictures demonstrate such a rich understanding of cinema’s past and future that it’s difficult to fathom why everything they’ve made since has been such a mess. Jupiter Ascending is not worth anyone’s time—not in IMAX, not in 3D, not as a free download. SKIP IT!